Dear Husband

Oh my God! I can't believe what I receive when I reach home. Im so happy till I almost shed tears. Ok I'll tell it from the start. Today, I have live firing at Pasir Labar in Army Camp. The program ends at 6 pm. Husband whatsapp me like normal. When I reach Joo Khoon MRT, he was there waiting for me. He surprises me. When I reach home, it's kind of late already and I need to prepare food for Husband to break his fast. So I took all the food and wait for him to finish praying. (Here is the surprise) When I scoop for him his rice, I saw Ayam Sambal. And I say "Eh Ayam Sambal! Ejan like know only we just talked about this meal". He smiles and say " Tu la". I the idiot go and tell Ejan that we just spoke about that meal and her answer shock me. "Fairol the one who cook it just now" she said. Oh my God!!! He surprise me further. I just look at him and kept looking at him. He smiling. He said Im the first girl he ever cook for. Im smiling whi...

Is our communication skill breaks down? What had happen to us? Stepping on each other wrong foot. We end up quarreling when we actually wanted to have a decent conversation.  I hate it!

I wanted to write something but I can't find the right word to put it in. I love him. I love him a lot more than I can say. He gave me the happiness I yearn for. While studying in his school, I think of him. I'm sad that at time the real message I wanna reach him turns out wrong. He understood it wrongly. I don't know how to explain it to him. One day he will understand me. Maybe not now or today. I pray that he could do his exam smoothly.

A smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their own problems. People are quick to point their finger at people doing something wrong but never take responsibility for their mistakes.

Love doesn’t mean anything if you’re not willing to make a commitment, and you have to think not only about what you want, but about what he wants. Not just now, but in the future. That’s when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn’t the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn’t enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn’t enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn’t. Not enough. You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul..

He is the reason for everything I am now. I am stronger because of him. I make myself better than before, because of him. He is the reason for all my reasons. Obstacles may be hard or harsh or hurt, I stay strong for my future. He is my first and I pray he would be my last. No one can change that status of mine. No one!

Each night when I’m alone, this is what I always do secretly. I browse back at all of our pics together from the beginning to now. I see how cheerful our pic is. As I turn to next pic to next pic to next pic, the feelings change. There is no smile or sun in it. All I see was sorrows full of darkness and hatred. I miss seeing the past us. I want it back that way. But it's like the hatred become stronger as days past. With less love left to fight for and overcome it from nothing left. Struggling as much as I can to hold strong the few love left and hoping for each hatred turn to love and bygone. It's not easy doing it alone. When at times you hoping so much that you and he is not only about “marriage” to be with each other and spent time with. You want it to be out of “high” activity. But the hope always will crash. It hard to come true. Must it only be in my dream? Can’t realities be as what you dream of it? No one stays strong forever, not even brick. It will collapse when the...

I miss you so much suddenly. What worse is that I’ve started tripping myself. I was talking to myself. I kept seeing you around me and pampering me. I saw you doing the thing you love the most, deejaying at one corner. I am starting to be crazy each day now… Im sorry, I force myself to do all of this towards you. I can't sleep without you beside me. But no matter what and how it is, I won't show it to you. Im no longer who you use to know. Im different. Im always high just liked you. “When you show him, he is your world but by his ways and actions of losing you mean nothing to him, “

This morning, I woke up with tears in my eyes and your memories in mind. I miss you so very much. I loved you when no one else did. I gave you chances. I invested my time and energy for you. I miss it when you say I was the most beautiful woman in the world and that you’ll love me until the end of time. The guy who I spend hours with, just talking and laughing and talking some more. I miss the guy who looked at me like I was his whole world and held me tight, making me feel more love than I ever knew was possible. I miss the kind guy whose kiss filled my insides with a thousand butterflies. I miss waking up with you laying next to me, watching your chest rise and fall as you continued to sleep deeply. Don’t you ever say I lied about how I felt? I will always love you and even though you said those mean things in the end, I prayed last night for you. I asked the Lord to give you the courage to live again. I also pleaded that you won’t be lonely when I’m gone. I want you to be happy, fo...